One liner jokes

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe  that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind".

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

7. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

8. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

9. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

10. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check he balance, so I pushed her over.

11. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

12. I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to-myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

13.1 just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.